Oct 17th 1987

Warning: Teenage gushing and angst ahead (including bad grammar and spelling) - read at your own risk!

Journal Entry:

Oct 17th, 1987
2:01 pm, Saturday

À mon agenda,

Here I sit at my window, looking out on my world, my garden. I sit and watch the birds soar high on the winds and then dive down to disappear among the trees, being pursued playfully by another.

I sit and listen to the rustle of the trees as the wind pushes past them. I hear the low murmur of my radio in the other room, and above that I hear the cars and trucks rush by on the road in front. Civilization and it's downfalls.

At least some people still cling to things of beauty and peace. Why do you think we have gardens? So that when things get bad, when the trucks and cars and tall buildings and smog get to where they drive crazy, you can get away from it all by stepping into your garden, or any garden. You may still hear the trucks or smell the smog but now that you're in the garden things do seem to get better and you start feeling like living again.

That is how I feel now. I feel in tune with the Garden, with the wind, the trees, the birds, the grass, the bees, everything. I feel that I'm glad to be here again to enjoy everything.

And ever since I started writing today I've wanted to do one thing. That one thing being able to, at night, go up on the roof top and jump from roof to roof, each time looking down into the yards and see the gardens there. I would be thrilled even if I was to see them in my dreams, but still I would love it even better if I were up there upon the roof to each house, feeling the night air around me, and it would be better still if I could walk among the better gardens. To walk among the sleeping plants, knowing the owners are asleep too. Oh I would love it, I know.

This thought of course was brought about by the fact that when I look out my East window I can see directly into my neighbors yard, and a nice yard it is too. But it's the yards beyond that really interest me 'cuz I've never seen them.

Oh it would be so nice. If only I could...


9:58pm

Funny that such a beautiful day would turn into such a hellish nightmare like it has become.

How so?

Well, Cassie (of all people) had just came by and visited me. Now what would be so hellish about that?

Well, during the conversation she couldn't seem to keep her train of thohught and she seemed to be very jittery and nervous.

Could it be that the Hell Hole they call Home is driving her nuts? That all the bitching and sniveling that those narrow minded selfish people do is finally getting to her?

Well, I suppose that is it, 'cuz eventually she said to me that she had been doing Crack.

I wanted to strangle her!! She said she would never, never do that!

I told her right away to stay away from that stuff! That she'd best NEVER do it again.

Well of course this really shocked and depressed me, for here I am lulling about in happiness and knowledge and there she is lying in muck and misery.

How depressing. How aggravating. How - how... I dunno really...

I suppose most of her problems are caused by the fact that no one really loves her, and that all her life she's been trying to find someone who can and will.

She told me that she's in love with this guy named Lyle, that she's had sex, thought she was pregnant, and all that stuff. Somehow I pity her and her attempts to make some loser guy into someone who will love her.

And I suppose I'll never be able to tell her I that I love her, that I care deeply about her.

Oh I wish I was rich and that somehow I could get her away from that hellish family of hers, and tell her that she had best forget it all and just start over again.

"Cass, you've got to forget all of your past, all of your family, and all of the people who've used you."

And I can almost hear here protest, that she can't, that she won't.

"No, you will, 'cuz you can't go on carrying that around on your shoulders all through your life."

"Oh, but you don't understand." She would say.

"No, Cass, it's you who doesn't understand. You've got to wake up out of this nightmare. You've got to wake up and see the real world, not the god damned thing you've lived through. Now I'm gonna help you by showing you all the good things about life. I'll teach you you what I've learned. I'm gonna give you some money and a house -- and damn it Cass, you're gonna make it 'cuz you've got to pay me back my money, you hear me?!"

Ah damn it all to hell, Liriel, you're dreaming again. You couldn't be like that if you tried.

Damn I hate this!!

-11:59pm